have been here for too long, and i hate this place, i hate myself, and my life. Everything seems superficial now, it feels like a dream, no a nightmare.
I saw this coming, but i thought i can handle it, it seems that i can't. I have exams in 2 days. An examination where i know i am going to fail. Plus, im not really keen on what i am doing now, but my parents already had hopes for me, a failed child, and not forgetting how much they spend for my education. So, i feel guilty if i tell them i don't want to do piloting. People already warned me before i made any decision, "do what you want to do, ignore what people say" but i didn't listen, i never did and now i am engulfed with guilt and regrets. But mum didn't me want to do art stuff anyway, so does my sisters, they say i have no talent whatsoever. So yeah, here i am doing the things what my parents hope me to be and not something that i have passion for.
For now, im just going to go with the flow, whatever happens, happens. Its not like i have anything to look forward to anyway. Im gay, Im ugly, Im boring, stupid, and well, if u know me, you know how just down right lame i am, hence i have no friends. I mean i do, but u know, none of the kind who i feel entirely and truly happy with. Wait, maybe that is a lover not a friend. Even still, and i cant have kids on my own, but i don't want to adopt either, i don't want the child's life ruined just because they have a gay parent, people will talk about it i am sure, and their friends will criticize them because of me, so i dont want that. I would most probably grow old alone and die on my bed, whatever it is i know my life would be meaning less, im just an object to fill in between things, at least that is how i feel, at least that is how my friends are treating me.
My journey of soul searching began a long time ago, ever since i can remember, i was figuring out who i was, i still am. I experimented myself with a lot of things, i tried to run wild, free from my own fate, but you can't run from fate, you never can. Now, im just being obliged with just about everything is happening. i have been cheated too many times, betrayed too many times, rejected too many times. Not just in sense or love, but friendship too, family too. I just feel useless in my current state, i feel like whatever i do will be in vain.
You know what i feel like doing right now? i feel like going to the south of New Zealand, built a shack near a river, and live there, and im going to have some chickens of course, but i think i would love them and would not eat them. haha. so everyday i would eat veges, fishes, and mushrooms, and fruits! lots and lots of kiwi! i wish i could really do that.
I saw this coming, but i thought i can handle it, it seems that i can't. I have exams in 2 days. An examination where i know i am going to fail. Plus, im not really keen on what i am doing now, but my parents already had hopes for me, a failed child, and not forgetting how much they spend for my education. So, i feel guilty if i tell them i don't want to do piloting. People already warned me before i made any decision, "do what you want to do, ignore what people say" but i didn't listen, i never did and now i am engulfed with guilt and regrets. But mum didn't me want to do art stuff anyway, so does my sisters, they say i have no talent whatsoever. So yeah, here i am doing the things what my parents hope me to be and not something that i have passion for.
For now, im just going to go with the flow, whatever happens, happens. Its not like i have anything to look forward to anyway. Im gay, Im ugly, Im boring, stupid, and well, if u know me, you know how just down right lame i am, hence i have no friends. I mean i do, but u know, none of the kind who i feel entirely and truly happy with. Wait, maybe that is a lover not a friend. Even still, and i cant have kids on my own, but i don't want to adopt either, i don't want the child's life ruined just because they have a gay parent, people will talk about it i am sure, and their friends will criticize them because of me, so i dont want that. I would most probably grow old alone and die on my bed, whatever it is i know my life would be meaning less, im just an object to fill in between things, at least that is how i feel, at least that is how my friends are treating me.
My journey of soul searching began a long time ago, ever since i can remember, i was figuring out who i was, i still am. I experimented myself with a lot of things, i tried to run wild, free from my own fate, but you can't run from fate, you never can. Now, im just being obliged with just about everything is happening. i have been cheated too many times, betrayed too many times, rejected too many times. Not just in sense or love, but friendship too, family too. I just feel useless in my current state, i feel like whatever i do will be in vain.
You know what i feel like doing right now? i feel like going to the south of New Zealand, built a shack near a river, and live there, and im going to have some chickens of course, but i think i would love them and would not eat them. haha. so everyday i would eat veges, fishes, and mushrooms, and fruits! lots and lots of kiwi! i wish i could really do that.
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