An Empty Cell

  Today, i just feel like writing, writing everything that is in my mind. I dont know why, i just need to let it out. I

have been here for too long, and i hate this place, i hate myself, and my life. Everything seems superficial now, it feels like a dream, no a nightmare.
    I saw this coming, but i thought i can handle it, it seems that i can't. I have exams in 2 days. An examination where i know i am going to fail. Plus, im not really keen on what i am doing now, but my parents already had hopes for me, a failed child, and not forgetting how much they spend for my education. So, i feel guilty if i tell them i don't want to do piloting. People already warned me before i made any decision, "do what you want to do, ignore what people say" but i didn't listen, i never did and now i am engulfed with guilt and regrets. But mum didn't me want to do art stuff anyway, so does my sisters, they say i have no talent whatsoever. So yeah, here i am doing the things what my parents hope me to be and not something that i have passion for.
     For now, im just going to go with the flow, whatever happens, happens. Its not like i have anything to look forward to anyway. Im gay, Im ugly, Im boring, stupid, and well, if u know me, you know how just down right lame i am, hence i have no friends. I mean i do, but u know, none of the kind who i feel entirely and truly happy with. Wait, maybe that is a lover not a friend. Even still, and i cant have kids on my own, but i don't want to adopt either, i don't want the child's life ruined just because they have a gay parent, people will talk about it i am sure, and their friends will criticize them because of me, so i dont want that. I would most probably grow old alone and die on my bed, whatever it is i know my life would be meaning less, im just an object to fill in between things, at least that is how i feel, at least that is how my friends are treating me.
    My journey of soul searching began a long time ago, ever since i can remember, i was figuring out who i was, i still am. I experimented myself with a lot of things, i tried to run wild, free from my own fate, but you can't run from fate, you never can. Now, im just being obliged with just about everything is happening. i have been cheated too many times, betrayed too many times, rejected too many times. Not just in sense or love, but friendship too, family too. I just feel useless in my current state, i feel like whatever i do will be in vain.
     You know what i feel like doing right now? i feel like going to the south of New Zealand, built a shack near a river, and live there, and im going to have some chickens of course, but i think i would love them and would not eat them. haha. so everyday i would eat veges, fishes, and mushrooms, and fruits! lots and lots of kiwi! i wish i could really do that.

Cooper ;)

First of all.....

HYE GUYS! sorry been a while innit? well yeah its not that anyone reads this blog anyway, well except you qila! LUB YOU! haha.

 So, i'll go straight ahead to the point. Theres this guy i met on the net, a gay website if u may, and his name is Cooper ( not real name obviously, im not stupid enough okee, since i have like a gazillion stalkers! i know i know, VAIN! lol )

 Like any other conversation, it starts with a hello, and one thing leads to another, so i asked him for his facebook, and i remember him telling me this, 44% of malaysians have a facebook account, what are the odds of me not having one? haha. Hes a jerk obviously, a diva, well, you could put it this way, a typical gay bitch. hahah kinda. but i like him that way, i dont know why....well Qila, you know that im turned on when im rejected right? LOL.

So, i stalked his pictures, AND OUH MY GOD GIRL HE ISSS FINE! i just love when he smiles...ah it blows my mind off! i mean, his kind of smile is the one which can make you smile along you know...haha i am even smiling as im typing this! BUT GIRLS DONT BE TOO EXCITED! yes, you guessed it, hes taken, as in he has a boyfriend, as in someone to rely on, as in someone who he must be, dearly loves and loved.

 So, i stalked his bf, Dante( again not real name ) AND DUN DUN! mutual friends - a few gay friends....and tadaa one of my girls, Yaya!. 

                     So, i straight away called Yaya and asked her about him, It seems that Dante is someone she met in an event and took pictures and showed me about a couple of months ago!.I was heartbroken, I was pretty sure he is hot, as Yaya is sooo picky so if she says she likes him, he must be hot. I checked out Dante, and he is hot, you could say they are the perfect couple sort of speak.

       This has always happened to me, whenever i meet a guy i like, he must be either straight, or well, taken, or too hot for me. I mean im ugly anyway. bleah.

          Being the straight forward person i am, i told him that he is hot and stuff, coz he is! not just by looks tho, i love his personality. Anyway we chatted on and on, and everytime im online, i eagerly waited for him to be online so that we can talk again. We have only known each other for a few days, but im already like this, i know qila its not healthy and i might get hurt again, but i promised i wont put in too much feelings into him okee? Although sometimes we dont even know what to talk about, so he would ask me to ask/tell him stuff. haha and i did, but i made a mistake, i told him about aiman, how pathetic, he must think i am anyway.

       So for now, we are just chatting with each other, as friends...i dont ask for more, well i dont want more anyway, i dont want to ruin his relationship cause i know how it feels like to be cheated on - not a very happy feeling if its not obvious enough. Besides, at least he talks to me, so im just going to appreciate that for now.

This is the story of my life, i can never get the man i wanted, ever.

1. because im ugly.

2. im uninteresting, trust me, u will get bored of me fast.

3. karma, because i have hurt a man in the past. But that is another story....

PS: i just dont love his smiles, but every of his facial expression! Comel sangat! :)

PPS: im listening to I try by Macy Gray when im writing this. Sedeyh sangat!. heh.

"i know i cant get you, but im always here for you" - something i said to someone longg time ago, copyrighted okee! hahah