What I Had As A Boy

Sometimes i wonder and wander off into the distance and starts to imagine a life with me being straight, I wonder what would I be like, would I be a player or a douche hated by girls?

           Would i actually play sports like soccer? hahaha okee thats funny, sexy, sweaty, hot me equipped with muscles and all. Damn now I want to be like that and be all in love with myself lol.

What if theres a man who loves me, then it would just be the same as the girls that claimed they like me right now. It would be just the same then.
    Then it clicked to me that, would my life actually mean anything? because i dont my current life does. What is a meaningful life anyway? Why does it has to be meaningful? Why can't we just go with the flow?
                        Then it reminds me that we are just slaves of capitalism. It doesnt matter if we have made millions, we would still be in the system. We are lived by the mind set of being a slave without even knowing. Media Media Media
   So how do we get out? Pack your things and move into the woods, thats how. Obviously its not that easy, I dont need to explain it here, just watch the movie 'The Village'.
                   We can start  to blame the Europeans for this tho, no not really. Ok so i just woke up and i dont know what im blabbering about, so have a good Sunday peeps!

Goliath goes Fishing

Heyyyyyy, yeah i know been a while,
 
   Suddenly i feel inspired to write, random thought much. the big bang playing on youtube, and it inspired to write. what? yeahhhh.

Anyway so this is what currently is happening, i sit for 15 papers, passed 10 and failed 5 and now i have to retake a whole new syllabus of 14 tougher papers, yeah so not funny. but my problem does not stop there.

1. i have to tell my dad. which i really hate to see him disappointed.
2. it costs around 30-40 k ? which is so not funny

          Now the thing is, i dont know if i should tell my dad i hate doing piloting, i mean even if i take the new syllabus i dont think i can pass since i have such hate towards piloting. I hate the subjects, I hate the students, I hate the Instructors, I hate the environment, I hate the politics, I just basically hate everything, I know if im actually in a different course things like these would still happen, but at least i have passion for it and not just doing it for the sake of my parents you know what i mean? Its just tiring to even pretend right now.

         My life would be more meaningful if i were able to do things that i could be doing, i mean , imagine this, you want to dye your hair hazel brown but you mother force you to dye it yellow, won't you hate that? I fucking would.

So yeah, just wish me luck tomorrow on telling my dad. finger crossed.

Life as you know it.

I'm tired of looking down, I'm tired of searching ;

The reason to live,
to trust,
to love,
to smile...

I'm tired of this world where you are clung to the industrial beliefs, to money and such. I wanna live free like a dove with no strings attached to its legs. I guess i could if i were to live in a forest. This I know, for the rest of my life, I would be nothing but a shadow to a controlling life scheme.

For I am only a boy paddling into the vast sea.

An Empty Cell

  Today, i just feel like writing, writing everything that is in my mind. I dont know why, i just need to let it out. I

have been here for too long, and i hate this place, i hate myself, and my life. Everything seems superficial now, it feels like a dream, no a nightmare.
    I saw this coming, but i thought i can handle it, it seems that i can't. I have exams in 2 days. An examination where i know i am going to fail. Plus, im not really keen on what i am doing now, but my parents already had hopes for me, a failed child, and not forgetting how much they spend for my education. So, i feel guilty if i tell them i don't want to do piloting. People already warned me before i made any decision, "do what you want to do, ignore what people say" but i didn't listen, i never did and now i am engulfed with guilt and regrets. But mum didn't me want to do art stuff anyway, so does my sisters, they say i have no talent whatsoever. So yeah, here i am doing the things what my parents hope me to be and not something that i have passion for.
     For now, im just going to go with the flow, whatever happens, happens. Its not like i have anything to look forward to anyway. Im gay, Im ugly, Im boring, stupid, and well, if u know me, you know how just down right lame i am, hence i have no friends. I mean i do, but u know, none of the kind who i feel entirely and truly happy with. Wait, maybe that is a lover not a friend. Even still, and i cant have kids on my own, but i don't want to adopt either, i don't want the child's life ruined just because they have a gay parent, people will talk about it i am sure, and their friends will criticize them because of me, so i dont want that. I would most probably grow old alone and die on my bed, whatever it is i know my life would be meaning less, im just an object to fill in between things, at least that is how i feel, at least that is how my friends are treating me.
    My journey of soul searching began a long time ago, ever since i can remember, i was figuring out who i was, i still am. I experimented myself with a lot of things, i tried to run wild, free from my own fate, but you can't run from fate, you never can. Now, im just being obliged with just about everything is happening. i have been cheated too many times, betrayed too many times, rejected too many times. Not just in sense or love, but friendship too, family too. I just feel useless in my current state, i feel like whatever i do will be in vain.
     You know what i feel like doing right now? i feel like going to the south of New Zealand, built a shack near a river, and live there, and im going to have some chickens of course, but i think i would love them and would not eat them. haha. so everyday i would eat veges, fishes, and mushrooms, and fruits! lots and lots of kiwi! i wish i could really do that.

Cooper ;)

First of all.....

HYE GUYS! sorry been a while innit? well yeah its not that anyone reads this blog anyway, well except you qila! LUB YOU! haha.

 So, i'll go straight ahead to the point. Theres this guy i met on the net, a gay website if u may, and his name is Cooper ( not real name obviously, im not stupid enough okee, since i have like a gazillion stalkers! i know i know, VAIN! lol )

 Like any other conversation, it starts with a hello, and one thing leads to another, so i asked him for his facebook, and i remember him telling me this, 44% of malaysians have a facebook account, what are the odds of me not having one? haha. Hes a jerk obviously, a diva, well, you could put it this way, a typical gay bitch. hahah kinda. but i like him that way, i dont know why....well Qila, you know that im turned on when im rejected right? LOL.

So, i stalked his pictures, AND OUH MY GOD GIRL HE ISSS FINE! i just love when he smiles...ah it blows my mind off! i mean, his kind of smile is the one which can make you smile along you know...haha i am even smiling as im typing this! BUT GIRLS DONT BE TOO EXCITED! yes, you guessed it, hes taken, as in he has a boyfriend, as in someone to rely on, as in someone who he must be, dearly loves and loved.

 So, i stalked his bf, Dante( again not real name ) AND DUN DUN! mutual friends - a few gay friends....and tadaa one of my girls, Yaya!. 

                     So, i straight away called Yaya and asked her about him, It seems that Dante is someone she met in an event and took pictures and showed me about a couple of months ago!.I was heartbroken, I was pretty sure he is hot, as Yaya is sooo picky so if she says she likes him, he must be hot. I checked out Dante, and he is hot, you could say they are the perfect couple sort of speak.

       This has always happened to me, whenever i meet a guy i like, he must be either straight, or well, taken, or too hot for me. I mean im ugly anyway. bleah.

          Being the straight forward person i am, i told him that he is hot and stuff, coz he is! not just by looks tho, i love his personality. Anyway we chatted on and on, and everytime im online, i eagerly waited for him to be online so that we can talk again. We have only known each other for a few days, but im already like this, i know qila its not healthy and i might get hurt again, but i promised i wont put in too much feelings into him okee? Although sometimes we dont even know what to talk about, so he would ask me to ask/tell him stuff. haha and i did, but i made a mistake, i told him about aiman, how pathetic, he must think i am anyway.

       So for now, we are just chatting with each other, as friends...i dont ask for more, well i dont want more anyway, i dont want to ruin his relationship cause i know how it feels like to be cheated on - not a very happy feeling if its not obvious enough. Besides, at least he talks to me, so im just going to appreciate that for now.

This is the story of my life, i can never get the man i wanted, ever.

1. because im ugly.

2. im uninteresting, trust me, u will get bored of me fast.

3. karma, because i have hurt a man in the past. But that is another story....

PS: i just dont love his smiles, but every of his facial expression! Comel sangat! :)

PPS: im listening to I try by Macy Gray when im writing this. Sedeyh sangat!. heh.

"i know i cant get you, but im always here for you" - something i said to someone longg time ago, copyrighted okee! hahah

Love at first sight? heh

It was just a one night thing, it was a dinner, we barely even talked, well coz i was too nervous, we were even with our mutual friends.
  BUT god im sooo into you. do you call it love at first sight? HAHAHAH, nahhh, more like lust.
but idk, hes so sexy god i wish i talked to you more or something.

PS: he laughs like james fransco. i wish i would meet you again.

Its just tuesday and it feels like its already monday again :|

heeeeeeyyy hoooooooooeessss

anyhows,

 thought would give you guys some update, on my supposedly straight life these past 18 years haha okee
so
first kiss 12 y/o with some childhood friend? name? errr i have not decided yet.
first blowjob, 14 y/o with some classmate? name? undecided also
first sex, 16? with some random girl at club? LOLOLOOLOLOLOL what a wannabe la you haris, name? idk, i want some french name, LOLOLOL

had sex with 4 girls so far. where? all at clubs la kot? heh help? idk how to make belief a straight life, hahahaha XD

walking on clouds, over a fucking volcano.

Yes, i do cuss, sometimes, maybe all the time?

Ouh and yes, you could call me Anonymous..wait..err. just call me whatever you want. hahah

Where have i been missing? school basically, heh, updates? yes im getting into it. ( im talking as if i have 1478587328478473874 followers reading my blog and stalking my private life. pffft )

i hate the number 3. why? idk it seems retarded.
   whats with that Randomness? I DONT EVEN KNOW. haha

i feel so gay these days, well i am technically a homosexual, there i said it, so you homophobes can run for your life now.

As you all know it, maybe you dont, i have enrolled myself in a flying school, yes we all grow wings and fly. HAHA. i wonder why we didnt evolve to fly tho, Nothing is Impossible right? right....
       I hate it Here( flying school, in case if you are lost ;) ), i really do, coz most of people here are well, homophobes and i have to pretend to be straight and all, talk about boobs and shit , yuck.

sorry People, i just dont do Vagina's.

 And just to make it clear, i'll explain this, once and for all.

  WHY am i GAY you asked?
1. you, yeah, you there, when u were born, as long as you can remember, your sexuality has always been the same, yes? yeah, thats your answer for that.
2. hate me of you will, im always attracted to the same sex, and i cant find the reason why its abnormal. TELL ME WHY.
3. Love is Connected by Souls, so NO im not Disgusted with myself for wanting to be with the same sex, as a matter in fact, im a narcissistic bitch. ( i bet you can tell huh?)
4. i feel like a lesbian whenever im in a relationship with a girl. not that theres anything wrong with that, it is just that, i prefer being 'straight' in my own term. So yes i can be straight if i wanted to, but why take a toyota when you can afford a volvo? always go for the best? yes?
5. the only girls i am really attracted to are Hot, Manly( not really but you get what i mean) Lesbos <333
6. when men look at girls and how they just wanted to fuck her, i was wishing im her. i wish im Adriana Lima. HAHAHAH SHUT UP! DONT LAUGH! :|

   So there you have it, there might be more reasons, but i cant think of any right now. And i have not write in a long time, so, the way i write might be a little, well, unorganized? i dont even know the right word, well kinda.. meh

  So how are you guys doing? How was your week? tell me in the comment section :)
 Booooo! mine? it was, pretty tiring, had 3-5 hours of sleep daily, ( exams, dont ask ) and i have some other problems too. yes Even i have problems ( what does that suppose to mean dude? -___- )

In other words, my life is a mess right now, slowly, im getting back on my feet. hopefully.

"Hang my head, Drown my fear,
Till all of you just, Disappear.

Black Hole Sun wont you come,
and wash away the Rain?

Black Hole sun,
wont you come?
wont you come?"

Cease The Madness i wont kill myself. Not now, not yet? :) Have a good weekend everybody <3

   AND OMG HAVE I TELL YOU MY SENIORS ALL LOOK LIKE MODELS???? ( well just some of them, but they are still hot nonetheless.)
           GIRLS YOU WILLLLLLL DROOOOOOL. :DDDDDDDDD

This Land Where The Faces Are Unknown

At 12 am tonight, would be the fourth day im here.
  

I have never felt this lonely before. :'(

The Introduction

I sit on this bed. Eating a cup of Maggie Mee. -chicken flavoured- Beside me are piles of comforters, blankets, clothes, clothes, and clothes. with A Pair of Hush Puppies shoes on top.

-Ouh, just so u know, this is a blog where grammars and capitalizations do not matter. this Blog is free from english writing Rules.(?)

And yes, that is just a covered up by a 18 year old asian kid who sucks at everything. :)-

The room's floor is covered with well, more clothes, chairs, stool, files, books, a big green luggage, backpacks, handbangs, usb cables, bottles, glasses( as in for drinks) , in other words, its a chaos.

And the room is only lit, by one, covered lamp shade. So its pretty much Dark, but i like this way. why? 1. by nature i like dark places. AND NO IM NOT SOMEGOTHKIDOREMO.
2. i feel way safer, its like, i own the space sort of speak. 3.Because i dimmed my laptop, so its easier for me to see this way. haha

   Do u know John Green? Do you read Paper Town? no? if yes, then probably you would say that, istealthisstyleofwritingfromhim. BUT! well, i do actually, and i pretty much like it, i mean who wouldnt? its so natural. its how you talk to yourself, or rather, with everyone else.

so Who is This Asian Boy you asked? well, actually, im not gonna tell you, just like my room, i like my privacy on the internet, so im just gonna write and you read well aite? :)

well actually a few people know, except if u are a stanger then you wouldnt know. This blog would be all about me. just me. well, my life basically. :D